He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
