So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Let's paint friendship bongs
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
