Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
