He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Text me some of your sweat
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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