The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
