So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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