It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
