Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
