You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
