Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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