My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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