The maid of honor just puked.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
