Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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