you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
