I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
