So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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