I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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