I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
