my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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