her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
