I have demons in me.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you win again, gameday.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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