"it" just moved
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We left the knife in your bed.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
