remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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