my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
