I want to make a zoo with you.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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