Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
What drink are we having for lunch?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
