i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
