I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you win again, gameday.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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