No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
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