awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
