Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
