doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
