I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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