I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
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