Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
