Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Of course I have a pirate flag
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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