She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
