I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
