I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
In other news, I just burned my penis
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
