halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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