i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
