so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
