Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
