I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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