$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
