hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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