even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
