I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
