If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
