Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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