I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
